No Surprises: How Depression Emerged from Letting Go of My Passion

Something about the music video"No Surprises" by Radiohead got me me when I first saw it, although I couldn't quite explain why at the time.

I really got into creating art when I was 17. Sculptures and mixed media were my passion. My ex used to say that the school art studio was my home after school. I cherished that creative time; it felt almost sacred to me.

I wanted to go to art college, but things didn't go as planned. I made poor choices in relationships, which led me back to Japan where I grew up. An argument with my mom over my desire for freedom and independence resulted in her refusing to pay for art college and I wasn’t quite brave enough to take the student loan hearing many bad experiences from others.

After a year of college in Hawaii, I returned to Japan and lived with my boyfriend. Things got dark, and I believe I was going through depression.

For a long time, I thought my depression was due to my boyfriend's constant cheating. Despite our fights, he always stopped me from leaving, making me think he loved me.

I felt love, but not loved.

I lost connection with my mom after deciding to live with him, as she disapproved of our relationship.

I felt like I had everything but nothing at the same time.

I wanted to be more but wasn’t.

I lost my appetite.

I lost a child, and I felt trapped because I believed I could trust him, yet he repeatedly proved untrustworthy. I felt powerless and even thought it would be better just leaving this life.

I felt sucked up by the floor, unable to move for a long time.

The list goes on.

That’s why "No Surprises" resonated so deeply with me when I first heard it.

I realize that the true reason for my depression wasn't really those reasons mentioned above.

I was going through the sudden loss of art in my life.

I was missing my true passion in life: creating, painting, and doing the art I loved.

It took me 15 years to fully return to my creative self.

"No surprises?" Life is full of surprises, and now I embrace them all, having found what I can truly devote myself to.