Trying to find myself again
Hello there. This one is not going to be edited. Not proof read. I just want to sound like myself for once.
Ive been running into a wall. I have set myself a goal (probably unrealistic) of publishing 8 videos per month on youtube, 4 podcast episodes, and blogs here and there and Instagram post.
I feel like I lost myself in the process. Not in the process of painting.
Process in trying to create content to reach as much audience out there and now I feel like I want to shut myself into my studio and hide away.
I asked myself and reflected why Im feeling this way.
It ultimately comes down to comparing. My numbers on youtube hasnt been particularly good. I got notified on another youtube channel, where a lady had such a great story about why she flips to different painting styles and recognizes that its probably to do with social media. I looked into her channel to find that she only posted 2 video and had about the equivalent amount of subscribers that honestly broke me a bit. Her content was very striking to the heart because I literally was feeling the same way. Ive been trying to be authentic and honest with my feelings and i think that comes out more through my podcasts then Yotube. This made me literally go back to all the recent content and I felt literally lost. WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING?
I was creating more and more content in the mind of what can reach more people. BUT that isnt what I really want to do….
My intention really was to share my feelings, my stories, my struggles honestly being an artist. Also to share my painting process that I have a back log of since 2023.
Honestly I feel ashamed.
Something also good I suppose came out of this reflection.
I painted for the sake of painting today. I mean I did record the process but I was less attached to the camera that was above and next to me.
I went back to that feeling of the sadness i felt after my son was born. The sadness that came with realization that he too has to go through struggles now that he is here in this world.
I felt grateful. To him and my partner.
I’d like to re-focus and adjust what I want to share on youtube from now on.
Thanks for reading this far to me venting. Lets get back to painting shall we?
